Joy. How simple a word but how difficult the concept. God has placed something on my heart that I believe needs to be told.
There have been a few things happen during the last few months that would render most people spiritually helpless.
At the beginning of the summer we were thrilled to find out we were expecting Miltimore #4. We were overjoyed. You see, all 3 of our children had been surprising yet wonderful gifts from God.
Not mistakes, but just pleasant surprises.
This child we had prayed for and planned. Within that first month we were expecting. Apparently I have no problem conceiving.
With this being my fourth child, I immediately began to get the signature mommy pouch. Well, a bigger one. My stomach started to tighten up and it became terribly uncomfortable to try to suck in my stomach. Cause you know, that’s what I do.
Our first doctor’s appointment was scheduled for the 19th of July, in which I was 8 weeks to the day.
The week before the appointment was filled with such excitement. My sister was rooting for twins and I was actually starting to be ok with the thought of seeing 2 little heartbeats.
We just knew this was going to be our boy. We already had three girls so surely God realized how outnumbered Doug was.
We even had a name picked out.
The thought of a girl was not even mentioned, well, maybe a little. Everything I looked at and pinned on Pinterest could only work if it was a boy.
Doug and I had already discussed Cayli coming with us to see the first ultrasound of our new peanut. She had gotten over the initial shock quickly and was excited about becoming a big sister again.
We arrived that morning with eagerness in our step.
As we were settled into our room, nothing in our minds could have prepared us for what was to happen.
The nurse practitioner entered into the room with the ultrasound machine and we were about to see the newest member of our household!
Because of the way I was laying, I couldn’t see what was on the monitor. It was turned so that Cayli and Doug would be able to catch that first glimpse.
All I remember is silence.
No heartbeat, no oohs and ahhs. Just silence.
I finally, with a chuckle in my voice, asked if “he” was hiding.
She then proceeded to turn the monitor toward me and explain what she was seeing.
Which was nothing………….
At that stage in my pregnancy there should be the uterus with a small “jelly bean” inside. The uterus was there but was empty.
At first I just smiled. People who know me know that’s what I do. Just smile.
I tried to concentrate on what she was saying but inside everything was starting to crumble. I took a quick glance at Doug and Cayli in the corner. I knew if I saw tears I wouldn’t be able to contain it.
Me being ever so practical started asking her questions.
So what are the chances of their being a baby?
Was their ever a baby?
Do you think the baby is hiding?
Deep down in my heart I knew the answer to all these questions.
This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. One of my very best friends has trouble conceiving and has suffered through miscarriages but me? I could pop them out left and right!
Surely there’s been a mistake………..
The walk to the car was the worst. Everyone we passed deserved a smile but at that moment I didn’t feel like smiling. I glanced over at Doug and Cayli and saw their hearts breaking as well. It was a very silent walk to the car.
As soon as we got in, the dams burst. I just didn’t understand. The thoughts of having to inform everyone of the news made it even more excruciating. Inside I felt like I was letting everyone down. What did I do wrong?
Was it all the donuts I had eaten? (This was …. no joke, a serious thought.)
The peace I receive from God is the only thing that has gotten me through this. Notice I use present tense here. God’s peace is not just a one time thing. This is something He continues to pour in me every single day.
It’s the only way I make it through.
There are many people who experience tragedies and continuously suffer their entire lives. The anger, hurt, disappointment, guilt, and many more emotions never vanish.
My relationship with Jesus Christ gets me through it.
I am fine.
I am okay.
Who am I to question God?
We have no answers to why God does things. We are not supposed to know. We are supposed to have faith. We are supposed to rely on Him with even the smallest matters. Why? Because He’s our creator.
He is our peace.
People often wonder how I stay happy all the time. My kids will make sure they tell you how big of a misconception this is.
The answer is simple. God.
When my 2 youngest children were born deaf?
When my daddy died a few years ago?
When I lost this precious baby?
Do I ever sit and pout? Do I ever cry, like I am now? Do I get upset and wonder why this is happening?
Do I put my faith in Him and trust that He will never abandon or forsake me?
If you are going through something that has left you unable to breathe, put your faith and trust in Him. Surround yourself with believers in Christ and let them be broken with you. Let them help hold you up.
Let Go and Let God.